The holidays often bring a strange mix of joy, nostalgia, and ache. Especially during or after a divorce or separation. The normally joyful time of the year with sparkles of lights, holiday decorations, the smells of delicious treats, and a crisp chill in the air can feel distant with what’s happening in your life and heart. You may be facing your first Holiday season with a parenting plan or maybe it is your 10th. Maybe you’re losing not only your spouse but the family you have grown close to. You might be alone for the first time in years and adjusting to an entirely new version of “family.”
It’s okay, this season can be hard for most. Grief has a way of showing up even when you least expect it, when you don’t want it and often right in the middle of what’s supposed to be the most joyous time of the year. Divorce and Separation change the shape of the not only your life but the holidays, but it doesn’t erase their meaning. And while it may not feel like it, you can rebuild warmth, connection, and hope amidst the change.
“Bitterness corrodes the container it’s in.” – Amish Proverb
According to Psychology Today’s article Tips for Managing the Holidays During and After Divorce there are four tips to approach the holidays. However, the main intention is not to isolate but to face the holidays head on. When you stop trying to “get through it” and engage differently, you give yourself permission to heal. At Laidlaw Family Law, we feel the holidays can become easier when you let go of old expectations and traditions. Begin creating new traditions that fit who you and your family are now. Watch our Facebook and Instagram pages for ideas or check out the list below.
It’s natural to grieve what once was. The process for Divorce or Separation is like grieving a loved one. The memories of shared holidays, familiar routines, laughter in the kitchen, the comfort of predictability, can feel just out of reach. You might even feel pressure to “keep things the same” for your child/ren, even when that’s no longer possible. Pretending everything is fine often deepens the hurt. Acknowledging that things have changed is the first step toward making peace with it for your family.
“We may not have been happy about missing out on a particular holiday, but we never griped about it to our son. Grownups need to be grown-up.” Jacqueline “Jack” Perez, from The Ethel’s A Divorce Guide to Navigating the Holidays
In The Ethel’s A Divorcée’s Guide to Navigating the Holidays, the author writes that the holidays are not a test of strength, they’re an invitation to rediscover what feels meaningful. That small shift in perspective is powerful. It reminds us that this season doesn’t have to measure up to anything; it simply must reflect who you are now. If you’re not sure who you are that’s okay too. As mentioned above; talk with family, friends, your child/ren, or a therapist about what meets your needs now. Traditions, after all, are living things. They can evolve. You can begin again right where you are. You can make new memories that reflect the family you have today, not the one that existed before. That might mean baking a new recipe, taking a quiet walk after dinner, or lighting a candle each night for gratitude and peace.
If you have children, involve them in the process. Try having a conversation with your child/ren about the traditions that they would like to keep. Let them choose a new ritual that can travel between homes maybe a bedtime story you both read, an ornament they carry back and forth, or a shared playlist of favorite songs. These small gestures of consistency help kids feel connected and secure. Your child/ren may surprise you, they may want to continue some of the traditions and start new ones with each parent. The Child Mind Institute notes that children thrive when parents keep routines across both households. The key is not in making the holidays extravagant, but in making them steady. If both homes offer structure, reassurance, and love, children adjust more easily. That sense of safety gives them room to enjoy the season rather than worry about it. Of course, for parents, that balance can feel like a juggling act. There’s pressure to “make it special,” to avoid conflict, and to ensure that your kids don’t feel caught in the middle. But calm is contagious. When you focus on simplicity, cooperation, and communication, your children pick up on that. They learn that holidays don’t have to be perfect to be full of love.
For some adults, the challenge is not the co-parenting logistics but the silence that follows when the children go to the other home. The quiet can feel deafening. The HuffPost article Newly Separated, No Kids and No Family During the Holidays speaks directly to this experience and the way absence can make everything sharper, from the empty living room to the unopened decorations. In that quiet, connection becomes a choice. You might not have the same people around you, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend the season alone. Volunteering, joining a community event, or sharing a meal with a friend can shift the focus from loss to purpose. You don’t have to “move on” right away, you just must keep moving, one small step toward connection at a time. As Paula Prober shares in her piece On Being Single and Childfree During the Holiday Season, solitude can be a doorway to something new. When we slow down, we notice ourselves again and what we enjoy, what we value, what kind of peace we want to create. The absence of noise gives space for clarity.
For parents, the focus often circles back to the children. And even when you’re struggling, your kids benefit most from calm and cooperation. Last month, we published a post called Why Kids Benefit When Both Parents Commit to Consistent Routines. That same principle applies beautifully during the holidays. When parents agree on schedules early, share updates simply, and approach the season with flexibility instead of competition, children feel more secure. The holidays don’t have to be perfectly split down the middle to be fair. What matters most is that kids experience love and stability in both homes. Keeping bedtime and morning routines similar helps. So does planning transitions ahead of time and communicating through short, clear messages instead of long negotiations. Remind your children that they don’t have to choose sides. They can love both parents fully and freely. That message, more than any gift, is what allows them to relax and enjoy the magic of the season. Even small acts of unity go a long way. A short FaceTime call on Christmas morning, a shared online calendar, or simply sending a photo of the kids enjoying the day can remind everyone that this is still a family and just looks a little different.
For parents and individuals alike, healing is not about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about learning to notice the moments that are. The soft quiet of early morning. The sound of your child laughing. The comfort of a warm drink on a cold evening. These moments, though small, are proof that joy can coexist with change. Author Jen Grice, in her blog Surviving the Holidays During or After Divorce, encourages people to simplify and focus on meaning over pressure.
“Finding joy in the holiday season or any season also means giving yourself a break. You don’t have to do all the things or be everything you always have been.” – Jen Grice
This is the heart of rebuilding after divorce; realizing that your life may look different, but it can still be full. The path forward doesn’t erase the pain of the past, but it can give it purpose. Each new tradition, each intentional act of kindness, becomes a stitch in the fabric of healing. You might find hope in unexpected places: in a child’s smile, in a shared laugh with your ex during a handoff, or in the kindness of a friend who shows up with cocoa and listens. Healing doesn’t demand perfection. It simply asks for presence.
Over time, those small moments begin to build something larger; a quiet kind of hope that doesn’t need to shout. Divorce changes how holidays look, but not your capacity for love, joy, or meaning. Hope doesn’t come from recreating what was. It’s found in the courage to create what comes next. If this holiday season feels heavy, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. At Laidlaw Family Law, we help families find stability, compassion, and hope through every chapter, including the holidays. Your story is still unfolding. And this year, even in its imperfection, can be the beginning of something meaningful.
Buscho, Ann Gold, Ph.D. [Tips for Managing the Holidays During and After Divorce.]
Psychology Today, December 2022.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202212/tips-for-managing-the-holidays-during-and-after-divorce
2. The Ethel (AARP)
A Divorcée’s Guide to Navigating the Holidays.
AARP – The Ethel.
https://www.aarpethel.com/lifestyle/a-divorcees-guide-to-navigating-the-holidays
3. Child Mind Institute
Divorced for the Holidays: What to Give the Kids.
Child Mind Institute.
https://childmind.org/article/divorced-for-the-holidays-what-to-give-the-kids/
4. The New York Times
Parker-Pope, Tara. Holidays After Divorce: How to Find Joy Again.
The New York Times, October 28, 2021.
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/28/well/family/holidays-after-divorce.html
5. HuffPost
O’Neill, Jacqueline. Newly Separated, No Kids and No Family During the Holidays.
HuffPost, December 2022.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/newly-separated-no-kids-no-family-during-holidays_l_63924ec1e4b05c2f2f60a81d
6. Your Rainforest Mind (Paula Prober, M.Ed.)
On Being Single and Childfree During the Holiday Season.
Your Rainforest Mind Blog.
https://rainforestmind.com/on-being-single-and-childfree-during-the-holiday-season/
7. Jen Grice
Surviving the Holidays During or After Divorce.
JenGrice.com, 2019.
https://jengrice.com/surviving-holidays-during-or-after-divorce/
8. Kelly Chang Rickert
Hope’s Broken Snow Globe.
Children’s Picture Book. Independently published, 2021.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/hopes-broken-snow-globe-kelly-chang-rickert/1140405359
9. Randi Lundell
Celebrating in the Neutral Zone: A Holiday Survival Guide for Families of Divorce.
CreateSpace Independent Publishing, 2018.
https://www.amazon.com/Celebrating-Neutral-Zone-Survival-Families/dp/172461276X
Festive light displays and parades
- Christmas Ships Parade: Watch brightly lit boats parade on the Willamette and Columbia Rivers.
- ZooLights: Stroll through the Oregon Zoo’s dazzling, animal-themed light displays.
- Pioneer Courthouse Square: Experience the community gathering at the base of the official holiday tree and tree lighting ceremony.
- Peacock Lane: Drive or walk through this residential street known for its elaborate holiday decorations.
- Winter Wonderland: Drive through the light show at the Portland International Raceway.
- Silverton Christmas Market: Snowless tubing, Biergarden, vendor market, lights and more.
Unique Portland events
- The Nutcracker: See the Oregon Ballet Theatre’s production of this holiday classic.
- Holiday Ale Festival: Sample seasonal brews from various breweries.
- Holiday Express Train: Take a festive train ride with Santa and his elves on a vintage steam locomotive.
- The Great Figgy Pudding: Join or watch the caroling competition in Pioneer Square.
- SantaCon: Participate in the city-wide Santa-themed pub crawl.
At-home traditions
- Crafting: Make new decorations or ornaments to add to your home or give as gifts.
- Baking: Decorate gingerbread houses or bake Christmas cookies together.
- Movie marathon: Have a holiday movie countdown with your favorite seasonal films.
- Cozy night in: Spend a night with a “no-electric” theme, playing games or reading by candlelight, or enjoy hot chocolate by the fire.
- Donate a toy: Purchase and wrap a toy to donate to a local charity.